As a twenty nine year old black woman I know and have encountered multiple types of women. The older I get I keep meeting more and more black women without husbands. I think society has kept us in a place where we are in a pocket, a pocket for men. I think we are desirable, I think our features are ones most women would like and or want. YET, I don’t think people want to marry us, simply because our internal development is sometimes misconstrued. Some men see black women and automatically think: “attitude problem” “bitter” “high maintenance”. All of which are pre conceived notions and stereotypes based on television shows i.e. Real Housewives of Atlanta, Basketball Wives etc. But the reality of it all is black women are mad, and they are angry, and as a black woman I will tell you WHY. To start it off we aren’t protected enough, women in general at that are not protected enough. I know way too many single mothers, some by choice, others because the father disappeared on her ass and here she is left to raise children, alone. Who wants to raise children alone? Where is the unity in the community when it comes to taking care of our own? We all make choices and decisions so accountability is a must but the root of it all is the conversation some women don’t have with their daughters because their actual mothers never had it with them.
Moving right along, on the other hand I feel like marriage is a scam. LOL, yes I said it, a scam. Why are we conditioned to give ourselves fully to another person? Why do we have to share assets? Why do we have to have children? Why do we have to plan a life together? As a child I feel like gender roles were CLEAR, i.e. a little girl is given a baby doll. Why does a little girl have to want and fantasize about having a baby and taking care of one? Why does a little girl need a kitchen or cleaning supplies as toys? Why does a little boy need a tool belt and cars? Gender roles have been assigned to us as children.
Furthermore, our childhood also indicates the spectrum of which how we navigate our daily lives. I digress, the black woman herself already has stereotype written on her forehead. Being a woman and especially being a black woman has its traumatizing moments, some we share, some we do not. To be transparent I want to share an experience that was traumatizing for me as a young woman. I was in middle school, walking home, I just got these new glitter jeans that I just loved and I was minding my business when…..a young boy had walked up on me and touched my ass. I felt violated. Yes, violated. I just started getting my shape so I had boobies and a little ample ass and homeboy just knew it was his time to touch me. I still remember it because it honestly made me feel that I couldn’t trust boys or men in that defining moment for me other children in middle school were already sexually active so it just was lust in the air.
I say all of that to say is we carry our trauma on our backs, on our faces, in our hearts and on our sleeves.
The black woman wants to feel protected and most of us want to feel whole by being loved by someone when loving yourself is self taught (someone don’t understand because they were never taught) when in all actuality a man can’t do that for you. Some women chase good men away because they are damaged and triggered from their traumas. & some just don’t expand their mind or try different men (cultures) or just move to another city! Open mindedness can actually lead to a better outcome. I, myself have never tried a different man outside of my race and I am open to that. I want someone who loves me for me, and honestly the color factor doesn't matter although I long for a dark brotha that wants to love me man. I just love them, I just love us.
Since we are talking about the black man I feel like the black man is often battered. We as women we expect more from our brothas, but more isn't always something they know how to do. Some men were brought up without dads, brought up without their moms and that leads to TRAUMA yet again. Often times the black man is told they can't be vulnerable, they can't cry, they have to front for the hood, they got to be tough. When in reality our men are hurting too and they have been hurting just as long as we have been hurting if not more. Women want a provider, a homeowner, a trustee, a partner, a bestfriend often these things we aren't for ourselves so its a bit hypocritical to look for them in another person. We aren't all given a map on how to be great but I feel like if we as parents don't enable certain behaviors some of these raggedy sons out here would be some fucking body. Its a shame to see more women college graduates, business owners and entrepreneurs. Meanwhile theres a woman dating a man less than what she is simply because the nigga didn't apply himself. This isn't a bash session just the real tea in CERTAIN situations, not all. Just my perspective. I wish the black man could be everything for us but I realize that the patterns behaviors and cycles are ones therapy can only cure. Which some people are not open to, its not the answer to why so many black women aren't married.I know I know, everyone thinks self care therapy blah blah but let me tell you something the shit actually works. If we aren't vulnerable how can we grow?
But I will say one thing and thats for damn sure we are all broken, we have to heal and we can't get married or be in a healthy relationship until we face what separates us and what makes us whole.